Understanding Time
I have two stories on how children develop an understanding of time.
One comes from my 91 year old mother who went with my sister, her children, and grandchildren for a week at the beach. Two of the grandchildren are 3 years old. They spent a lot of time commenting on how old their Great Grandmother was. They would ask her questions like, “Why are your toes so lumpy?” My mother would smile and reply, “Because I’m really old!”
She overheard the two 3 year olds talking with each other about this. One said “Great Grandmother is really old!” “Yeah”, said his cousin, “That’s because she was born a really long time ago!”
I’m not sure everyone finds this as funny as I do. But the concept of aging and how long ago a person was born just go together without thinking for us adults. But for 3 year olds, it takes careful thought to understand that when you were born is connected with how old you are. Learning is such a wonderful process!
The second story came from a parent who emailed me that her 3 year old daughter had entered a difficult phase of understanding that some decisions that she makes cannot be unmade once the moment is past. Given a choice between staying home with Mom to take a nap or go on errands with Dad, (I now quote from the email,) “She went on the errands but, when about to return home, she launched into a full-blown tantrum about wanting to stay at home with Mom to take a nap. When told she could take a nap once she got home, she told us that she wanted to take it "later ago, with mommy instead of going on errands." When told that we could not go back in time and that she needs to choose something to do now, she told us she wanted us to "change time". The fit lasted a long time (largely because she was tired and needed a snack), but we find ourselves at an impasse when she continues to scream. . . She seems very frustrated with the idea that things happen when she chooses to do something else and that she misses out on the other option. In some way, this seems to be a positive milestone in that she realizes that there are other things happening beyond those in her immediate vicinity, but the overwhelming emotions about it are difficult to help her manage.”
I was impressed by the thoughtful way this parent approached her daughter’s problem. I thought her analysis was right on. The only advice I had to offer was at moments when her daughter was not hungry and tired, to talk about the difficult incidents, and the challenging emotions involved. She can also do some role playing or use dolls to go through some similar scenarios, making a decision and then getting upset because she can’t go back in time and change the decision to help her daughter process how time works. I’m confident that the anger involved in not being able to go back to “later ago” will pass fairly soon as this child digests and processes her new understanding.
This little girl is fortunate to have parents who reach out to understand their child’s challenges rather than simply responding to the crisis behavior. That will enable them to help their child to a more peaceful place.